Call Me for Free

Get jaxtr | Login

Sickness and Life

I got sick two weekends in a row. I thought it was a flu the first weekend. You know, feverish, cough and colds. But I also had diarrhea to go with it. It was a bit weird but Bob said diarrhea is a natural companion of flu. Good thing June 11, a Monday was a holiday so I didn't have to go on sick leave. The next day, I still had to go on leave just to make sure I don't force myself and get worse in the process.

The weekend that followed, me and Dina, my officemate, had booktable at their Tahanan Village parish. We sold books by Bo and our magazines. By the time I went home, I was beat. The next day I forced myself to office though I was feeling really tired. I got worse the next few hours in the office, coupled again with diarrhea which started the night before. I decided to go on a half-day leave. The next day, I heeded my officemates suggestion and had myself checked. The doctor said I had to go through tests since he doesn't know also why I'm feeling as I do. Until now, I still don't know my condition since I haven't talked to the doctor though the assistant said my test results were all normal.

Anyways, getting sick helped me to realize that there are more important things in life than work even if it takes up most of our waking hours. I love my work, mind you. I love researching about articles to write for New You and Real Stuff in Kerygma, articles on health, beauty, the Church and finance. I love interviewing a person and writing how God worked in his or her life. I love researching and writing for Fish Magazine on the Bigfish section stories about saints, tidbits about the Church and our faith or answering questions about the same. I love managing Mustard, our kids magazine. I love my job, in short. Still, life is not my job. Life is bigger and I realized, more eternal, even as it may seem fleeting at times, ran over by daily concerns and minute details.

So I'm back in work now but with a different perspective. I will always have deadlines. I will always love to be pressured, at the same time. But I won't let them get in the way of living now. Hopefully. :)

Nada De Turbe

I've been wanting to write about grace for weeks now. But I've gotten so busy with work lately I've only had enough time to go home and sleep after working overtime.

It's been really busy at work, what with all the devotional sets we're trying to finish and the three monthly magazines that must come out on time, plus a new book by Bo I'm trying to coordinate, and old books for reprint. Last week, I added the pressure through a freelance writing work in Singapore which required me to submit three articles. The rainy season started and, just when thunder and lightning erupted, I turned on my laptop when I arrived home, and kaput! There goes my laptop. If that's not enough, Bob's schedule has been so busy lately and his computer has been acting up we had difficulty finding time to chat and/or webcam. And, of course, his coming over is still uncertain.

In my natural, human condition—which is to say, impatient—all the delays and stresses and lack of control would drive me up the wall. But grace, which is popularly described as unmerited favor or gift, has kindly descended on me and I was and am able to face the dissonances of daily living without going too berserk—just slightly so. Hahaha. There goes berserk. In fact, this whole thing has made me quiet down my spirit inside. The Lord has made me realize that my life has been characterized unnecessarily by impatience. The deadline is today so it must be submitted today. The computer guy said they will call so why aren't they calling? Bob said he will come this summer, when exactly? But the still small Voice has been saying to me through different ways how all these things that I can't control, need not be controlled. I don't need to smooth them out right away. The creases and folds in silk give it beauty and grace. The delays and slowdowns in life provide their own beauty—to my soul—if I will let it.

Grace is a beautiful thing. It's all free. Last Sunday, I felt the love of God so much after I received communion I cried. If you told me that I've been so holy that week, I'll argue with you. In fact, I was only able to attend one or two weekday Mass last week I felt like I lacked spiritual strength. But that's grace. It's for the undeserving.

Today, researching for saints to write for Fish October, I came across a quote from St. Teresa of Avila, one of my most favorite saints. It says: "LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU, NOTHING DISMAY YOU. ALL THINGS ARE PASSING, GOD NEVER CHANGES. PATIENT ENDURANCE ATTAINS ALL THINGS...GOD ALONE SUFFICES." Nada de turbe. And I am speechless.

The Rosary

I remember my younger years. My contact with God was yawning my way through a sermon. And wearing a rosary ring. I didn't actually pray the rosary but I wore that ring. Maybe it was superstitious of me, but I valued that ring, which I wore in my right forefinger. Then, one day, I watched a Sharon Cuneta and Robin Padilla movie--don't ask me what coz I forgot. But I found Robin so funny that I lost the ring laughing my way through the movie. That was the end of my rosary ring days.

When I had fears I couldn't seem to take hold of or when I couldn't sleep, I'd pray the rosary. That was the extent of my praying the rosary. I wanted to regularly pray the rosary but I just couldn't seem to go into it.

Last year, my close friend from way back elementary school sent me a real white rosary. She's now a cloistered nun in Italy. I really treasure that rosary from Inday Moquiring. I bring it with me in my bag.

My real relationship with the rosary started when I read this article about prayer helping us to calm down. It said in effect that even if you just say the "Our Father" very slowly, it will help you to calm down already. In short, it's healthy for you. Since I work in Cubao but live in Makati, I go through the gamut of riding a jeep and riding the MRT. Sometimes, I ride the bus instead of the MRT. Well, if you've experienced riding our jeepneys or buses, then you know that there are quite a number of times you need to calm yourself down. Otherwise, you end up shouting to the driver, or going down from a jeep/bus in a huff. Some of them really stretch your patience the way they drive. And since there's quite a bit of time from the Magallanes station to the Cubao MRT station, I have quite a bit of time to spare. So instead of just sleeping my way or staring at all the passengers and thinking all sorts of things, or worrying about all the things happening in my life, I decided to try praying the rosary.

Well, there's no mystery in my praying. I don't know if heaven actually merits my prayer. But it has helped me. When I have problems, I offer a decade for an intention (like my sharing yesterday). It sure beats worrying myself to death. And I can see the hand of the Lord answering my prayers. Sometimes I don't know what intentions to pray for and wonder who needs prayers. (If you have prayer intentions, you can email me at jsosoban@gmail.com. I won't charge for the prayer. :) The Lord has led me to read or hear of other peoples' stories and now pray for intentions I didn't think of praying before.

At the least, the rosary gives calmness and reassurance in the midst of our busy lifestyles. But I believe--and hope--that ultimately, it will make me like the woman I try to pray with when I say the rosary. That would make me be blessed indeed!

Dependence on God

In the world we live now, so-called modern, advanced, where everything seems to be reachable and attainable, God seems an outmoded idea. The mention of Him seems to mock at man's purported capacities, to make us seem small and incapable. It's no wonder that to speak of dependence on God would make one look backward, anti-modern and uncool.

Well, before I had my conversion experience, I felt a bit like that. I had to know, I had to be in command. It seemed shameful to be found out that I didn't know something. In short, I was an arrogant, know-it-all fool.

Praise God, I have learned a bit to acknowledge I need help. I was very happy today because I got a task done in the office. I had been setting it aside for days now. I felt overwhelmed and inadequate to do the task before me. I tried to think about what to do and prayed a bit. Finally today, I really felt I had to do something but I couldn't do it. So I offered a decade of the Rosary so the Holy Spirit will enlighten me what to do in my work. I arrived at the office and I forgot about it. Then, in the middle of the day, I just did the work. I got to do it. I was so happy. And so thankful to God. And to Mother Mary.

"When I am weak then, I am strong." Scripture is right. When I am weak then, I am indeed, strong.

The Word

It is easy to say "I will give the benefit of the doubt," but when push comes to shove, that can be very difficult especially when you really feel you are right and the other is wrong. The operative word here is feel. It doesn't mean that just because you feel it that you're necessarily right. It doesn't mean that I feel I'm right that I'm actually really right.

I had to learn that there is an objective right, whatever I may feel. This is where the Word is so important. And the Word will not have any power unless the mind agrees with it. "Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect" (Romans 12:2). When I went through a conversion experience, I became very hungry for the Word. I loved to read the Word. Slowly, I got to see how differently the Lord sees things compared to the world. Nowadays, the Word is my most important disciplinarian. The Lord uses It to speak and to convict me. Sometimes through the Bible when I read it, or through the Mass when I hear the Word spoken, or when the priest gives a sermon. Today, it was through the priest when I made my confession. When I shared something about injustice in my life, he said that there will always be injustice. Then he said that when I meet injustice, I should offer it to the Lord so that I may be sanctified by it. I needed to hear that reminder.

I try to read the Word daily. But don't think that It is always a high point. Many times, I don't feel anything. But I try to keep at it. I know that it gives me strength and guidance. It is not only a disciplinarian to me. It is also a most comforting source of strength and encouragement, a source of light like no other. Words are not enough to say how important the Word is to me.

The Benefit of the Doubt

Trying to live daily as a Christian in our fast-paced, tense and busy world can be a challenge. What principles can we try to live out?

I was working late. Trying to catch the train which ends its run at 10pm, I hurried to wait for a jeep. The jeep passed by while I was too far to call out. After waiting a while, I decided to find a bus to ride to be able to catch the MRT. I told the bus conductor when I got in that I'll just be going to the MRT station, quite near actually. When I asked how much it would cost, the guy gruffly grunted but didn't answer me. I wondered why he didn't seem interested to get my payment when these conductors are quick to ask for payment when you get into the bus. When we were near the MRT, the conductor left me (he was staying near my area) and went to the back of the bus. When I stood up to go down, I looked for him so I could pay my fare. The guy was looking at me all the time and just nodded and waived away my fare.

It is good not to think ill or to judge someone. We don't really know what's on a person's mind before a thing happens. It's better to always give the benefit of the doubt. Kindness may not be too far away from someone who seems gruff or abrupt, depending perhaps on our initial response. In that sense, we create our own world.

Iba Zambales Outing

 
 
 
 

These are some of the pictures during our company outing last May 11 and 12 in Iba, Zambales. I didn't like the place where we stayed; I felt my skin crawl. No, not the supernatural kind. That's how I feel when I don't think the place is particularly clean. The sand though was fine. It wasn't white as I'm used to in Bohol but it was fine and clean. And then we had a chance to snorkel at this coral reef area that the boatman said rises like an island when it's low tide. I got to see this small really blue fishes. They looked so amazing in their startling blue color.

Then we had fun at night. We had campfire and played games. We were subdivided into two groups and then each group had to fill up this small bottle with water from the sea. Since we were in our shorts and shirt, we had to device ways of bringing water from the sea. So some of us removed their shirt to soak in the water and squeeze water from when they reached shore. We also tried to half-swallow ocean water (salty!!!) and spit them out (yuck!!!) into the bottle. Marco, our TV guy who has an Afro hair, wet his hair then tried to pour the water into the bottle. Well, it wasn't easy to say the least.

The second game was a revised Charade game. Each team's representative who go in front to the game master must spell for his groupmate to guess a word or group of words. But...he must do so using his butt. It was a bit funny trying to decipher the letters while looking at someone's behind. It came to a climax when Ate Cindy represented our group and Bong represented the other group. As Ate Cindy said after, she got overtaken by her emotion. Instead of just spelling the letters through their butts, they spelled it through their whole bodies. They wiggled, slid, pushed up and down, sidled, danced. They looked so hilarious we forgot we were supposed to spell letters. We were trying to keep off from peeing in our pants because of laughter.

I had fun in that. Then, I had an excursion at the market with Ate Weng and Bimbim(not sure if this is the right spelling), Edwin's wife and their kid and yaya. We bought pastillas and mangoes. Zambales has the sweetest mangoes in the whole world according to Guiness so I made sure to buy a few kilos. I chose the green ones so they won't spoil on our way to the city. Iba is also well-known for their pastillas from carabao's milk. So I bought some too. That was my little version of a cultural experience given our short vacation.

It's really good to go out and explore. The first time I heard Iba, I thought it was some place at the end of the Philippines. Why, they have Jollibee and Chowking! If those two have reached your part of the Philippines, then you couldn't be too backward. Actually, Iba is the provincial capital of Zambales and they want it made into a city. It looked progressive to me, well, actually quite urban already. So that's my Iba experience...different but not unpleasant altogether. Enjoyable, in fact.

Cheapskate

Okay, okay. I admit it: I'm a UK lover. Yeah, the kind where you scramble clothes around and haggle with the salesgirl so you get the item cheap--even if it's actually already cheap. It's called ukay-ukay. It's our version of a rummage sale. The most famous of these ukay-ukay sites is Baguio. Yes, I've been there, too. Because ukay-ukay in Baguio is an accepted, and in fact, a must-do activity when you go to that summer capital, going ukay-ukay there is not as lowly as doing it in other places. You must brag that you've been to ukay-ukay in Baguio once you've accomplished the fact. The standard reply is, "Really?! Wow!!! Was it cheap? Can I see it?" You have reached a certain connoiseur status when they see your clothes and they like it because by then, you have their envy.

But as I told you, outside of Baguio, ukay-ukay is not as acceptable as say, going to an SM Midnight Sale. So I try to find my version of ukay-ukay, too. It's not actually for everyone. Only for people like me--trying to scrimp money while getting the best deal. So what I do is, if I have an item in mind I want to buy, I go through several stores, try to fit the clothes, keep the price in mind, and compare one item from another. For example, I wanted to buy surfing shorts. You know, if you buy a branded surfing shorts, it can get as high as P200 up. But I bought a surfing shorts in Bohol for P75. So it was too painful to part my money for something that would cost say, P120. No way. So off I go to my scrounging expedition.

Now, the first secret to getting good and cheap items is: you have time. If you need the shorts tomorrow, hello, how do you expect to be able to find and compare prices? Except if you go on leave and spend half-a-day or a day just going through different stores. So plan ahead. Give it a few months or a few weeks.

The second thing is, make sure you don't spend any further while doing it. I mean, if you have to go out of the way and spend the money you can save due to transportation, might as well not do it. In that I am "lucky." I live in Makati and work in Cubao. That means I could pass by Gateway and Araneta--even SM Cubao--if I want to without spending transportation cost.

The third one is, always be on the lookout. You never know where you happen to pass by. You can spend a few minutes just looking through their items even if you don't have to try on any of them.

So in my case, I went through several--and I mean, maybe more than five stores--just to find my a surfing shorts that was cheap and was good enough for me. Finally, one Saturday, I had a little bit time to kill and saw this store that I had passed by one time with myriad items. I came in and lo and behold, their beautiful surfing shorts cost only P50. Cheapskate heaven! After a try-out, I had definitely decided, this is the one. So on the day, I got my heart's desire...without sacrificing my purse.

The same thing happened a few hours ago when I was finally able to have my jpeg file for a 1x1 picture developed: 4 copies at only P15. You check out other photo shops and they will cost you P40 to P60. Why spend that much when you only need one picture?

So there...

A Free Movie, an All Too Real Nightmare

It was dark and windy when I woke up yesterday morning. My aunt asked if I'd be working that day (she didn't have that worry bec she'd been on sick leave for days already). I said I hope we won't have office but I wouldn't ask since we're already late for an issue and we're rushing to finish it. Praise God, just a few minutes and our editorial assistant, Angie, texted me to tell me there was no work for that day. After a few minutes, my editor, Rissa, kindly texted me too. Even Dina, my officemate, also texted me to inform me there was no work. "Enjoy the movie," she texted. Good idea! She had leant me "The Way We Were," a 1973 romantic comedy starring Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford. But then, reality hit home after a few hours. The lights went out and electricity was gone.

So there we were on the 14th floor of our building, waiting for the storm to come. The wind started to pick up speed and our group -- my Auntie Nida, Jovie, Julie Ann, Don (all Auntie's children), and I -- became like moviegoers of a real storm. "Look, look, the roof of our neighbor is flying!" "Where?" "Hey, four boys are walking through the rain. Astig!" Then the wind and the rain started getting mixed up and we thought we'll have a storm on our house too. Auntie opened the large windows and the side door in the condo unit because she was afraid the glasses would shatter. Water and wind came barging through the windows. At one point, Julie Ann tried to open the door of the room and she almost got sucked in. She said she thought it was a combination of Poseidon and Snakes in the Plane. Way cenimatic! Our little storm experience lasted only till a friend of Auntie's texted her. He said there's no problem of the glasses shattering so she can just close the big windows in peace. After that, we were like curious bystanders outside a laboratory window. "Oh look, the roof of ACSAT is like a Chinese dragon!" "Yeah, and we can already soak our dirty clothes outside our balcony, sprinkle it with Ariel and tomorrow, we can already rinse it." Besides watching the reality movie outside, our activities inside were decidedly a non-event -- cook food, eat, listen to the radio, read. That's just what we did. Well, of course, talk, sleep. And try to tutor Don Jorge in peace. The wind died down in the afternoon, we had an early dinner and slept very well with the windows open. Some dotted lights outside made the room not too dark to be suffocating.

We had a short exciting experience this morning when Auntie left a candle on in the comfort room because Don gets scared of going to the CR in the dark. Good thing she didn't close the door and someone (Someone up there, we believe) whispered to her to check the candle. Lo and behold, the plastic container of toothbrushes above the candle was already burning! We heard Auntie shouting and shouting. Thinking one of the fishes in the aquarium leapt out, I rushed to her. The container was on fire! The Auntie poured water on it. Whew! That would have made some headline: Owner Awake; Condo Unit Still Set on Fire.

This morning, when Auntie and I came down for work -- with the sun brightly shining and the people up and about (except for our elevator not working) -- it seemed like life in the city was back to normal. But when we came out, our neighborhood was full of fallen leaves, debris, slanting electric posts and people out of their houses cleaning. For us, it was a free movie. For others, it was an all too real nightmare. And I realized once again how truly blessed we were.

Proofreading

What's wrong with these two sentences?

"Sharon Cuneta. Nora Aunor. Vilma Santos. Maricel Soprano."
"Mr. He Xieng answered. But Mr. He was rebuffed by the police."
Nothing's wrong with the second; the first one's obvious.
Nowadays, these are the "dilemmas" that I face. I've been working for almost two weeks now at Shepherd's Voice Publication as proofreader. I've been writing for them on a freelance basis as scriptwriter for Gabay sa Biblia sa Radyo (which airs on Radyo Veritas), as well as for Fish Magazine, a youth magazine. I also contribute for Kerygma. But when I was in Mindoro, Rissa, my editor asked for help coz she has been sleeping at 4am for several days already. They are rushing Didache, Gabay, Sabbath and Companion 2007 sets, not to mention the monthly Kerygma and Fish magazines. And books in the offing too. So Rissa asked if I can work for at least a month with them. Since I need the money and I like helping out (not to mention that it is service to the Lord), I agreed. So I've been in Manila for a few weeks now.

I realized how much I've missed working in publishing. It may seem perhaps weird to some people, or downright boring to be looking for mistakes in text the whole day but I like this kind of work. I find it really challenging though my real desire is to be able to copy edit. I like the challenge of crafting a good sentence, of evoking the right image or delivering a statement through a well-crafted piece.

Last week, we were doing overtime everyday. The publications have to come out before October 12 coz there's a show in SM Megamall by then. Man, it was pretty tiring to the eyes! At the end of the day, I was wishing to be able to walk with my eyes closed. But I don't really mind this kind of "tiredness." Don't be surprised then if you read my name on Didache and Gabay on the editorial staffbox for 2007. Also on Fish magazine for October. I was surprised when Rissa put in my name there but well, what can I do? I didn't expect it but I'm not the editor. Besides, that's one of the perks of the publishing world. To see your name written on the printed page. The really good thing about it for me is, you're still anonymous coz they don't know how you look.

I think I really like this kind of work coz I've been really thanking the Lord quite a lot for several days now. Thank You, Jesus!

Filipinos Have Big Hearts

Filipinos are well known for having extended families. Recently, my brother Jojo (who lives in California) told my cousin Honey (who lives in Oregon), that they'll visit them. They were going to Portland for a conference so they decided to come earlier so they can see Honey and her family. Honey is Filipino so it won't be a surprise if she invited Jojo, Brenda and their two boys to sleep in their house. But it was Harry, Honey's husband, and a true-blue American, who invited Jojo and his family to stay over. My brother was pleasantly surprised and told Harry he must be getting more and more a Filipino.

A kind person is usually referred to as having a big heart. And it implies that (s)he has room for others in his/her life. Filipinos must generally have big hearts. How else can they open their houses to others if that is not so? I think of Papa Domy and the fact that his brood of seven children live within his and Mama Luchie's place, or nearby? (Not to mention that I'm a squatter in Honey's pad). I think of Ate Ched and how her house is the open house of the Bagatsolons who live nearby? (That means free playstation, snacks, internet, playmate and even room).

Filipinos must have big hearts. And that's not only in having open houses. What about the open hands to give? Why indeed is the Philippines having such good GNP lately? That's because of the multitude of OFWs who send their hard-earned cash to their parents, their brothers and sisters, their cousins, their inaanaks, their I-don'-know-what-relation. I think of Jojo and Brenda and how they are the source of never-ending financial, emotional, financial help to me and the rest of the Sosoban, Bagatsolon, Saco, Canlas, and myriad other families. Multiply that with the millions of Filipinos abroad who regularly call, email, send cash, send balikbayan box, text, and we can get a slight picture of these OFWs investment into their families back home.

The Philippines is one of the countries euphemistically called "developing countries." Its poverty has caused it to be one of the top exporters of labor. We are not always a race that people look up to, nor do we many times look at ourselves and give ourselves a pat on the back. But I won't hesitate to say that we Filipinos have big hearts. Our GNP should always be rising. The investment that Filipinos invest with their hearts should make our economy bullish, if nothing else.

Peter Pan and Childlikeness

I hope I never grow too old. Sounds like Peter Pan has a relative here but there must be a truism on why Peter Pan can fly and his not wanting to grow up. Many people seem to equate being mature with being grounded on reality that it's no wonder people cannot fly. You look at faces in crowds and you know they are so much into reality -- along with the furrowed look and the scowl. If that's what I get for being mature, I hope I don't get too mature that I forget to fly -- metaphorically speaking.

These thoughts come to me because I like to play with kids (make faces, accomodate, talk to them, etc) and of late, I'm surrounded by so many of them. I have so many young nieces and nephews in the compound I live in now. There's Jana, Yacky, Aye, Carlo, CK, EJ, Rain, etc... and then there's Jana again. They like to visit me because I have a computer. Games of course! Then there's the cable TV which I allow them to control when they're there. And, of course, I bribe them by having candy and other foods inside. Certainly, it's not always easy to accomodate them. I have lived mostly alone this past year. I'd go into my place in Tagbilaran and I switch on my computer and check my email. I watch TV and laugh aloud alone. I'd cook and eat alone. Now, though I'm still alone in the bachelor's pad my cousin Honey has allowed me to use, within a few minutes, a little voice will tentatively knock and ask, "Tita Joy, can we come in?" I know it's better if I just say "No, I'm making my report," which was what I was doing this afternoon. But sometimes I think about myself in their place. What if I say, "Lord, can I come in?" And He says, "No, come back after I've finished dealing with the world's problems." So I try to accomodate them by letting them come in and play around, though I had to forbid the use of TV coz it was too loud and I couldn't concentrate. Besides which, I think that perhaps in the long run, this will all be even more productive for me. The Lord will kindly make me more focused in the midst of the noise and I'll be able to do my work. Perhaps if I'm just alone I'd get so sleepy and won't be able to accomplish anything at all. I remember the Lord's word, "Let the children come to me and do not hinder them." He certainly has weightier matters to attend to so I guess I can also make room for them. Besides which, as I happily tell Papa Domy, the good thing about these kids are they are not mine. If I really get fed up with them, I can just return them to their families. It's a good thing the Lord doesn't return me to whoever when I'm being such a bother. Now that would be a real problem.

A New Place

If people welcomes a newcomer to a new place by providing the best that they can offer, I thought of my entrance to Mindoro in a similar way by the Lord. There's only Asian Spirit available aircraft carrier going there so I had some apprehensions. In Bohol, they say you leave an Asian if you ride the Asian Spirit, and you arrive a spirit. And the plane we rode in needed repainting too. But when I checked in, a man offered to share his ticket so I don't have to pay extra for my luggage. Then, the weather was so nice that the whole ride was one of the smoothest I've ever had. Papa Domy was apprehensive in Mindoro because the sky was not too clear on their end but there were no problems at all.

To me, those all seemed a portent of a special care shown to me by the Lord. The night before, I was struck by a passage I read in the Bible. It said about the Lord choosing to be my father on that day and the nations my inheritance. I really savored the first part. The second part I didn't understand as clearly but who cares since it sounded good enough. It might mean I'll have lots of homes all over the world, or I'll be going all over the place. Oh well, as long as I have Someone who has offered me a true home by choosing to be "father" to me, that's good enough.

When I arrived at the Bagatsolon compound in San Jose (a municipality in Mindoro), it was a pleasant surprise to be greeted by numerous faces all ogling curiously, though smilingly, at me. The whole compound is filled with Papa Domy's (my Mama Ester's older brother) children and their children that I had to say, please excuse me that I can't memorize your names at the moment. Coming as I am from a two-children home who lived together infrequently, I was a bit apprehensive about the numerous people but mostly happy to be with family. I'm now a squatter at Honey's, my cousin's, place and it's really just fit for me since it's a bachelor's pad. She's in Oregon so I'm safe till she comes home, probably in two years' time.

To me, in the Lord's kindness, and to give face to His fatherly love, I have Papa Domy. Papa is a bit like me, a bit like Mama, and a whole lot like the rest of the Bagatsolons I know. He is noisy, curious, gung-ho. You must not forget intelligent or he will kill me here for not writing that. He is like me because he is curious and likes to philosophize and looks at the world and how it can be improved. Well, not to mention that Frodo will not find an alien in his and my height. He is like Mama because he can very well manage you if you let him. So I asked him to fix my light at my place, and he submitted my bank forms this morning. I could have asked someone to do the electrical part, or waited patiently at the bank to do it. But he likes to do all these things. Besides which, why find 1001 people when you can have one person who can do it all for you? That's why he is given more and more work at the munisipyo as a legislative consultant. And he is like all the Bagatsolons because they say they're intelligent and they prove it by how noisily they make their presence felt. Truth be told though, Papa can be very silent, just like me. Just give us a book we like and we don't know your name.

So I'm in Mindoro now. It is indeed a new place. But the Lord who is always kind shows me His never failing faitfulness and His constant love in many and different ways. And for as long as I have that certainty, I'm home enough.

A Place In Between

For a long time, this has been my public private spot on the internet. I could write here and it didn't really matter if anyone reads what I write. My life has turned a new direction once again that I thought of writing here so I need not write individually to my friends and family to update them on what's happening to me. It helps that blogging has a space for comment or reaction so you're welcome to do so.

Right now, I'm in an in-between place. For a long time, Cebu was called my home and not a place to pass by for me. But now, it's a jump off point to another place I shall be calling home for only God knows how long, Mindoro. My favorite Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman was right in calling life's journey "a roller coaster ride." Man, it does seem like that at times, now especially. I would never have thought I'll be settling in Mindoro for an indefinite period. I was looking forward to going to Mindoro for a vacation, hopefully this coming December when Papa Domy said their family have a noisy and colorful Christmas, what with themed Christmas parties and apos galore. It's not so bad I guess. As Papa Domy said, the wide beach front, internet connection and a free place is waiting for me. What could I ask for? In some other instance, I would have said, nothing.

In any case, philosophically thinking about it, I look at it this way: maybe the Lord is allowing me to see a glimpse into a pilgrim's life -- which we all are, in the end. We pass by this earth for a mere 60 to 70 years, longer if you can beat the statistics. But our stay is never permanent. And perhaps through this event, the Lord wants to engrain into me my visitor status. I've always liked being able to leave at a moment's notice. That's one of the reasons why I don't like to own keys. To me, it signified permanence. I had no problem relinquishing my two sets of keys to two houses in Bohol. But now, I do miss my place in Tagbilaran. When I go home, the most immediate thing I do is check my email. Even if I was only using a dial-up, I realize how a dial-up is so convenient compared to going to an internet shop (like what I'm doing now) and being charged P30 per hour. It's the noise of the child beside me playing this violent game that's really bothering me. Oh okay, yeah maybe, I'm a bit on an internet withdrawal symptom too, I guess. Added to that the fact that I couldn't access a website I needed for a deadline I need to meet. The frustrations of the electronic age.

Tomorrow, I'll be leaving for Manila and the next day, God willing, to Mindoro. I thank God there is such a thing as the internet. I realized that there are so many people who love me and care for me through what's happening at the moment. This spot is my little place of connection. Hopefully, it will be. And the friendships and love that I have experienced (and hopefully, even in a small way, given) will continue in the midst of distance.

The Heroes in Each of Us

I think it's a very interesting sociological phenomenon that the Philippines is holding its breath during these few days for Manny Pacquiao. And I can understand. I mean, you have all the men united -- and talking. They're not just appearing bored or drunk, or bearing up with what's happening. They are animatedly talking. In fact, they are actually lining up and betting. But then, it's not only the men. The women too. Well, everyone actually. Everyone is rooting for Pacquiao. And I find this really interesting. It's not just that the guy can box, because he can. His footwork and boxing certainly looks fancy enough for a boxing nitwit like me. And it's not just that he has x-factor because the guy has it. It's that the Filipinos are rooting for him as one. It makes me think that our country must be so in need of heroes that nowadays, as long as it's at least legal, the people will root for you. There were the athletes for example who won the latest ASEAN Games. Of recent past, there was Ms International Laura (is that correct?) Quigama.

I do not belittle this people because what they did or are doing are admirable. But that we as a nation is looking at the feat of Manny Pacquiao as something of national pride makes me wonder if our need for heroes have become so bereft in the usual places we should be looking for them that nowadays, we have to look for them in sports or entertainment. Are we so short of a Ninoy Aquino, or a Rizal, or a Mabini? Do we not have heroes in business or literature or in the church? If we have in any of those fields and they are not being recognized, are we as a people redefining what is admirable? Are we now looking up to people who are excelling in a field where individualism or personality are important? Where personal discipline are musts? And are we then now embracing it as a nation, as something admirable?

I don't know if Manny will win. I sure hope and pray he does. Still, I also hope that whatever the outcome may be, our people will find our sense of oneness and pride not so much in someone winning a boxing fight, or any other sports event, or a beauty pageant, but that we as a nation are really putting our act together and working for a better Philippines: finding the heroes in each of us.

My Beloved Philippines

I read about an interesting site from my Google Peyups Samahan and checked the link. Coconuter's blog site is refreshing mainly because, for all the bad rep the Philippines continues to receive, this guy wants to return here from the US and live in a place where others have been falling all over themselves to leave. I think I love the guy. I wish there were more Filipinos like him. I know, I know. All those doctors who have become nurses will tell me, "You don't understand. Good for you to say because you're not in my situation. We must live, too. You cannot live on ideals alone." I understand. My brother, after all is there in the US and he provides us with all sorts of financial support. Actually, he provides so many families with financial help because he's there. Still, a part of me continues to hold on to that idealistic and nationalistic person who graduated high school and college with a firm commitment to stay in the Philippines and help it out in my little way. I have some very strong emotions about certain things. My love for this country is one of them. It leaves me with a pain in my stomach and a catch in my throat. It's that real.

I don't hate those who go out of the Philippines. I just believe we make some choices and I have made my choice. Perhaps, in actual fact, my contribution to this country doesn't even make a blip in the horizon. That doesn't matter. I still love this country and, God willing, will give the best of myself for the good of this country.

In case you want to check out the coconuter's site, here's the link: http://coconuter.blogspot.com/

Back Again: Nature

If not for juicyfruiter, I wouldn't be writing this blog. I have totally forgotten this site. My life has changed in the past few months and this one little writing spot was just one of many that I litter my life with that I totally forgot this one. But this is cool too.

I'd like to recall something today. I was walking past the city park at just barely past 6 pm. It was a cool evening and just a little rustle of wind was making the leaves move. Looking at the remnant of Christmas decors surrounding the small park, I noticed the huge tree at the far corner almost towering the other trees around. You can see the tree "flowering" with black moving and twitting birds who rest there for the night. It's a noisy and awesome sight to behold. The birds know they are safe in that tree and they rest there. And the tree finds its being perhaps made complete in its old age -- barren and almost sunken even in its huge frame -- by the usefulness it gives to those needy little birds.

Yesterday, coming back to the city from the province, I rode the bus for more than three hours. We passed one of the towns on our way to the city where white clouds covered a backdrop of green hills. In the foreground stood bamboo trees swaying with the wind and rice stalks just newly grown standing like young adolescents straight and fresh. The all-around green color mixed with the white cloud was a calm and gentle scene.

Then we passed further on a "city" of moving lights -- bancas slowly going out to sea for the night. Fishermen were starting their night office. In the growing darkness, the slowly moving lights were like huge fireflies.

Nature speaks its own language and it's beautiful to hear.

Perfectionist

the day is done and it's still pretty hot in this part of the world even if the weather forecast says rain and thunderstorm. Inner Beauty Conference is done. I don't know how many attended but probably on the 300 pax area. I had to man the house this morning so i wasn't able to listen in to the morning session. i was disappointed because i really wanted to listen to the talk on When Your Heart Needs Healing. but the Lord didn't allow me to so i just offered that for the sake of the conference. besides, i looked at the many servants all over the place and realized how many of them in many of our conferences never get to hear the talks because of their assignment. maybe the Lord just wanted me to hear the talk this afternoon on Relax and the final exhortation on healing. well, relaxing is not my greatest talents. i had just said to one of my companions during lunch, because she was kneading my shoulders coz i was seated to her right (she massages people), it's too good so you better stop it. that's how i usually respond to relaxation. it's too good i'd rather not have it. in heaven, i'll have all the sleep and the relaxation i could have. not here on earth yet. that would probably make me a nut case which reminds me of what fr steve, our spiritual director, said one day. he said that many of the saints, if they were measured on today's standards would be on the nut case side. balance wasn't really their big thing. it was all or nothing for them.

i happened to read a book on birth order and why you are the way you are in one of the stalls in the conference. it was interesting. once again, i got reminded of the first thing that my former small group facilitator told me when i first shared. she pegged me right on as a perfectionist. i guess i am because my immediate answer was, but there are others more perfectionistic than me! talk about defensive. but until that time, i really didn't think i was. but i think i am. the book's author said something to do with perfectionism bringing about slow death, something like that. the tendencies he wrote there were me! :) so now i have to research on it some more....:) i wonder if that further cements the label perfectionist?

my day was pretty good. i helped out in the household basically. since we had lots of people eating for lunch, it was busy. i don't like being panicky just bec there are many people and jean sometimes gets into that panic mode. praise God, everything turned out well. i was really hungry when we finished assisting coz it was i think past 1 pm already. coke! coke! oh for the taste of ice cold coke when you're famished and thirsty. i had fun after bec kuya mars ate with us also. with a "feminized" small voice he sang, "We are sisters, sisters in the Lord," one of the songs in the Inner Beauty album. he said it was ringing in his ears bec it was being played all the time in the auditorium. he sounded so funny. and then dino came in and pirouetted in front of us when we asked him how he was! of course, they were in pink too! the whole place was pink bec the color of the conference is pink. then later i saw paul, kuya mars' son and we chased around the ground for a time. but it was really hot so i went up to attend the conference. praise God, the teaching tapes for the branches and startups were also sent out though the ones for plaridel, gingoog and dipolog will have to be on monday coz they only have one pick-up person.

now, i have genrev monitoring to do. well, i've scanned the page a bit already. the Lord will have to take care of some of those threads. i don't know what to answer. i pray He will send someone to answer them. :) then here comes our community's newsletter to be proofread. i should iron my clothes coz i have nothing to wear to work next week. i should finish my living water reflections. i should...i should...i should...i have so many things i still need to do. bahala ka na, Lord. help me, Jesus. sometimes, i get so tired already at the end of a whole day of assisting that i can't work after. i still do work but in terms of accomplishing something, i'm not really sure if i've done so. and i usually sleep past 12 midnight at that.

anyways, i think i'll get off now. i don't know what i'll do first. bye and God bless!

Binge

i have quite a number of topic to write here now that i'm in a blog binge. like for example, why i'm doing now what i'm doing when i could be doing something else? second, is what i should be doing really what i should be doing? third, i think i'm going crazy and it's driving me nuts. fourth, should there be a reason for blogging at all? fifth, there should be i think: something to do with the will of God, don't you think. sixth, okay, so it should give glory to the Lord. seventh, now that i've come this far, who can say i'm not giving glory to the Lord writing my nonsensical so-called writeup when it is possible i'd do worse if i'm not doing this now. eighth, indeed, who can say? only the Lord can judge. so why shouldn't i continue? ninth, i really don't know if i should. maybe i should have some lesson here or some discussion about the state of ---whatever! tenth, oh man, maybe this is really idle. i should be going back to work. eleventh, yeah, i should. i should be checking out genrev by now and doing my serious work of ministering to the young people of our generation. twelfth, maybe they are the ones ministering to me and im doing a serious work here too, trying to work out whatever it is i'm trying to work out here. yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead. get on with it.