Perfectionist

the day is done and it's still pretty hot in this part of the world even if the weather forecast says rain and thunderstorm. Inner Beauty Conference is done. I don't know how many attended but probably on the 300 pax area. I had to man the house this morning so i wasn't able to listen in to the morning session. i was disappointed because i really wanted to listen to the talk on When Your Heart Needs Healing. but the Lord didn't allow me to so i just offered that for the sake of the conference. besides, i looked at the many servants all over the place and realized how many of them in many of our conferences never get to hear the talks because of their assignment. maybe the Lord just wanted me to hear the talk this afternoon on Relax and the final exhortation on healing. well, relaxing is not my greatest talents. i had just said to one of my companions during lunch, because she was kneading my shoulders coz i was seated to her right (she massages people), it's too good so you better stop it. that's how i usually respond to relaxation. it's too good i'd rather not have it. in heaven, i'll have all the sleep and the relaxation i could have. not here on earth yet. that would probably make me a nut case which reminds me of what fr steve, our spiritual director, said one day. he said that many of the saints, if they were measured on today's standards would be on the nut case side. balance wasn't really their big thing. it was all or nothing for them.

i happened to read a book on birth order and why you are the way you are in one of the stalls in the conference. it was interesting. once again, i got reminded of the first thing that my former small group facilitator told me when i first shared. she pegged me right on as a perfectionist. i guess i am because my immediate answer was, but there are others more perfectionistic than me! talk about defensive. but until that time, i really didn't think i was. but i think i am. the book's author said something to do with perfectionism bringing about slow death, something like that. the tendencies he wrote there were me! :) so now i have to research on it some more....:) i wonder if that further cements the label perfectionist?

my day was pretty good. i helped out in the household basically. since we had lots of people eating for lunch, it was busy. i don't like being panicky just bec there are many people and jean sometimes gets into that panic mode. praise God, everything turned out well. i was really hungry when we finished assisting coz it was i think past 1 pm already. coke! coke! oh for the taste of ice cold coke when you're famished and thirsty. i had fun after bec kuya mars ate with us also. with a "feminized" small voice he sang, "We are sisters, sisters in the Lord," one of the songs in the Inner Beauty album. he said it was ringing in his ears bec it was being played all the time in the auditorium. he sounded so funny. and then dino came in and pirouetted in front of us when we asked him how he was! of course, they were in pink too! the whole place was pink bec the color of the conference is pink. then later i saw paul, kuya mars' son and we chased around the ground for a time. but it was really hot so i went up to attend the conference. praise God, the teaching tapes for the branches and startups were also sent out though the ones for plaridel, gingoog and dipolog will have to be on monday coz they only have one pick-up person.

now, i have genrev monitoring to do. well, i've scanned the page a bit already. the Lord will have to take care of some of those threads. i don't know what to answer. i pray He will send someone to answer them. :) then here comes our community's newsletter to be proofread. i should iron my clothes coz i have nothing to wear to work next week. i should finish my living water reflections. i should...i should...i should...i have so many things i still need to do. bahala ka na, Lord. help me, Jesus. sometimes, i get so tired already at the end of a whole day of assisting that i can't work after. i still do work but in terms of accomplishing something, i'm not really sure if i've done so. and i usually sleep past 12 midnight at that.

anyways, i think i'll get off now. i don't know what i'll do first. bye and God bless!

Binge

i have quite a number of topic to write here now that i'm in a blog binge. like for example, why i'm doing now what i'm doing when i could be doing something else? second, is what i should be doing really what i should be doing? third, i think i'm going crazy and it's driving me nuts. fourth, should there be a reason for blogging at all? fifth, there should be i think: something to do with the will of God, don't you think. sixth, okay, so it should give glory to the Lord. seventh, now that i've come this far, who can say i'm not giving glory to the Lord writing my nonsensical so-called writeup when it is possible i'd do worse if i'm not doing this now. eighth, indeed, who can say? only the Lord can judge. so why shouldn't i continue? ninth, i really don't know if i should. maybe i should have some lesson here or some discussion about the state of ---whatever! tenth, oh man, maybe this is really idle. i should be going back to work. eleventh, yeah, i should. i should be checking out genrev by now and doing my serious work of ministering to the young people of our generation. twelfth, maybe they are the ones ministering to me and im doing a serious work here too, trying to work out whatever it is i'm trying to work out here. yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead. get on with it.

Nothing

hey, i'm really enjoying this. i re-read the previous articles i wrote here. i don't even remember the details! now i know what a blog is. it's to remind you what happened to you. oh, so what did happen to me today? i don't want to discuss it! okay, okay. i think, in the most secret part of me, i really want to write it here so i can vent myself or at least think about it, but i don't want to write it down anyway. not now. suffice it to say that, my breath catches with a small hiccup...sort of from crying, if you know what i mean?...and i think and now i'm really wondering why i should title my works here Joyful Meandering when all i write about are my woes. why not my woes?! if i can't write my woes, i can always write about my joys. it's just that, i don't know, it has to be the really ups and the really downs, so i can write. the peaks and the valleys, so to speak. drama! and i thought i'm the one who has everything under control. what control? if not for the Lord, i'll be a psychiatric case. hahaha. yeah, like what? i don't know. i could be any number of thing. but for grace, there goes i. indeed.

this is really funny. for so long and for so many people, i'm as dependable as ham and cheese. well, that's what i think. which doesn't mean it's really true either. but well, there might be some truth to that because i remember ate au, one of the household sisters (the that's what we're called), said one day, you know, i've only ever seen you lose your cool when you see a rat. roll eyes please. see, i'm successful. i successfully pretend i'm such a little sweet girl. hahaha. i am. really! now, just don't let me write. when i write like in my mood now, then i am anything that i want to be in my mind. because when i get back to my world, then i become the responsible, loyal, dependable everyday person everyone thinks --- well, let me qualify that --- quite a number think, is a saint. hahaha. now, if only they were Jesus. of course, if they were Jesus, then in His goodness, may He have mercy on me. but bec some are really kind, they think i'm a saint. now, for those who are more realistic, they know that i'm not. oh cool. now, i have to convince them. ah well, isn't this great. just writing about nothing and everything and no details. reminds me of You've Got Mail. i really like that movie. the lines are fantastic! well, i remember that part where the girl, i forgot her name, said that you write about nothing but you actually reveal yourself. yeah, well, i reveal myself to myself. Jesus knows me anyway. what a relief. that's why I love Jesus. i really do. He's the only One who loves me completely anyway. this is really cool, Jesus, don't You think? i get to write about nothing and You get to see what's in my heart anyway. and well, i get to express something that i can't totally say. that's why i love poetry...but that's another story...at the moment, i should be wrapping up because the IBC intercessors will be praying over the chairs for tomorrow's conference. yeah, i really should go. hey, i really should! yeah. well.

it would be cool, Jesus, if i could have someone write me back who's as witty and intelligent as that guy in You've Got Mail. ewwww. fantasizing girl. okay, okay :D, why not! just wishing anyway. i love You, Jesus. i know. You love me more. oh yeah! thank You! You are kind, indeed, loving someone like me. but thank You, anyway. i wouldn't want it any other way. i really have to go. hope to come here again soon. thanks for me, hahaha, this is way cool. i'm publishing to the whole nothingness about myself. and i'm the only one who gets to read it. hehehe. okay, okay. convince yourself. bye now! i love You, Jesus!

Split Personality

man, it's been a long while. I seldom come here myself. but this comes in handy from time to time when the urge to write comes and my diary's not nearby. besides, no one else reads this so it's also like writing in my diary. hahaha, i remember kiddo wanting to know my blog address. no way, jose. i like the anonymity of it all. but writing is so self-centered. i remember reading somewhere that it was st augustine who started this type of writing. i don't remember the exact word now, but you know, the type where you look into yourself and what's going in there. about the self-centered thing, is it really? just wondering coz self-knowledge is something that st teresa of avila is a big fan of. nothing wrong i think if it's not the end. the end should be Christ. in knowing oneself, it should lead you to seek Jesus.

yeah, well, i'm just writing here. i should be doing something else but i think i'm giving myself a break. tomorrow is Inner Beauty Conference here in Manila. i hope there will be lots of women who'll come. i'm in intercession so i really HOPE there are lots of women who'll come. hahaha. as if the rise and fall of this conference depends on me. well, of course, not me. it depends on the Lord. and intercession is vital. man, i'm getting reminded of gollum and smeagol. you know, split-personality type. ach, i hope i'm good and better, not bad and good. what the heck. Jesus knows me anyway and loves me the same. doesn't matter even what i think of myself, essentially. because who i am in His sight is the only thing that matters. that's why it's so important to humble yourself, 'no? because He will never cast away those who are humble and those who are brokenhearted. i can write a lot more here, given a chance. maybe i should write more often here. meandering indeed.